Effective communication is imperative for any and all relationships whether couples are together and want to strengthen their bonds or if they are apart and want to deal with thier children in postivie ways.

Why is it so hard to have effective communication? So many people come into my office and tell me that they don’t communicate well. Couples report poor communication as one of the biggest challenges. Divorcing couples are often paniced as they couldn’t communicate well when they were married, so how will they deal with one another as they are divorcing. There is certainly a point there, but in some ways, it may be easier, as the pressure is less and the terms are clearer.

If couples work on following some basic rules it would help in listening to one another, thereby understanding one another and hopefully result in more positive communication. When people in close relationships are stressed and buttons get pushed, listening skills go down the drain. I am going to lay out some basic rules of good communication to be considered:

– Pick a good time to discuss a problem. Timing is really important. If you are upset about something and your partner is tired and/or stressed, chances are it is not a good idea to present a conflict. If you do, it will probably go badly. Sometimes it is helpful to offer a prelude like “I have something I want to talk about that’s bothering me, is this a good time?”

– Talk about the issue from an “I” position and do not blame. If you begin attacking your partner, you will not get good results. If you say something like “I feel hurt when I talk to you and you don’t put down your phone” It’s a little different than “you’re always on your phone and never pay any attention to me” which will generally produce a defensive and angry reaction.

– Never use Always and Never. Even though issues do repeat in relationships, it is unlikely that it is “aways and never”. These words are inflamatory and enrage the listener who will probably beome very defensive.

– Stick to the issue and keep it between the two of you. What I mean by that, is if you’re angry about something, don’t discuss other things you’re also angry about. One topic at a time can be handled. Dealing with too much becomes overwhelming. And if you are angry, it is not necessary to say that her sister, her friends etc also see the same flaw. The issue is between the two of you and needs to stay there.

– Be respectful. Do not be mean and insult the other person even though you’re angry. If you want to be heard and understood, do not yell, curse or say purposely hurtful things. You know your partner and you know you can push buttons. Don’t do it if you want a successful communication.

– Don’t expect mind reading. Say what you feel and express what you want. Be direct. Your partner cannot and should not be able to mind read. Mind reading is not loving, it’s manipulative to thnk that if s/he really loves you s/he’ll know what you need.

– Apologize when you’re wrong. An apology can go a long way. It is really hard for some people to apologize as it is admitting that you are wrong. But we are all wrong sometimes, and when an apology is sinerely given it can sooth hurt feelings.

– Don’t overtalk. I find that so many people are overeducated and psychologically aware and overtalk issues. Be simple and clear. Express your feelings. If you can stick to talking about feelings you have a better chance of having them be heard and understood.

– Mirror each other. If you are unsure of whether you have been understood, use the mirroring technique. One person talks about his or her feelings and the other then repeats back what s/he has heard. If it is incorrect or incomplete, the person who initially talked corrects it. Then the other partner has a turn to do the same. This ensures that you each get what the other has to say.

– Take a break. If there is a lot of anger and the conversation is not going well, stop! It is pointless to continue. Take a break for an hour or for a day. Decide together when you will pick up on the conversation. But make a committment to revisit the issue, and do not let it go. This will help build trust that problems can be solved. If you cannot do it alone, consult a professional for help.