As parents, as spouses or as friends, we all make mistakes sometime. But how do we deal with the mistakes we make?

As parents, as spouses or as friends we all make mistakes sometimes. But how do we handle that? Do we apologize? Is is hard to say “I’m sorry”. What will that mean to a relationship?

Apologizing is not easy for many people. It means we’re admitting that we were wrong, that we screwed up. What does that mean? Does it mean that we are a bad person? Sometimes it feels that way, which makes apologizing very difficult. Does it mean that we shouldn’t be in that relationship? That we are not capable of dealing with another person? Does it mean that the other person will be so angry and we will not be forgiven? Does it mean that there will be retaliation? Generally, it means simply that we just made a mistake! We are human and humans make mistakes. We are not perfect, and that’s ok. We are all flawed and that’s ok.

Let’s take a hypothetical example. Sue and Jon have argued constantly about his not coming home at a “reasonable” hour and his not helping her with the baby. They finally made an agreement that he would make a strong attempt to come home early at least three nights a week and that he would call if he could not fulfill the comittment. Well, that worked out ok for the first week as he was able to make it home ontime three nights. The second week was not as easy. He made it home one night but the second agreed upon night he came home an hour late. Sue was very angry that he didn’t call. He protested that it was only once that he got held up at work, but she was quite angry. He vowed he would be more responsible and call if it were to happen again. The next night, it happened again. He was at a meeting that ran late and he did not call home. Instead he came home, more than an hour late. Sue was furious.

Now the moment of deciding how to respond…..

Jon could be very defensive and angry in response to Sue’s anger telling her how unreasonable she is about keeping him to a schedule when he has to work late. She will then respond with her anger that she was with the baby all day and is exhausted and needs help and that he just doesn’t care. In short, they will be off and running. They will be having the argument that they’ve had many many times before and each time it seems more hopeless. The evening ends badly.

OR…..

Jon could come home very apologetic, that is if he really feels badly (the truth will come through!), and tell Sue how sorry he is for not calling and explaining he’ll be late as he knows she is dependent on him for some break from baby care. He could say he knows that it was not an ok for him to be late and not call and that they really need to talk about this situation because he doesn’t want to keep disappointing her. He could reassure her that he cares about her and the baby and knows he made a mistake in not calling. He apologizes. She still feels upset with him, but her anger dissipates with his apology. They acknowledge they need to deal with this situation differently, but agree that this is not the night to discuss it. The evening ends well.

The power of a true apology is tremendous. Particularly if the party who apologizes really works to correct the situation and works to not repeat the problem. Admitting a mistake takes guts and shows vulnerability. Rather than being a “bad” person for admitting being wrong, the person actually is a “good” person who is able to deal with complicated feelings. This can go a long way.