Barbara Rothberg, DSW, LCSW

Therapy, Coaching, Mediation and Parent Coordination

 
 
 
       

What do the children know?

22 September, 2015 Barbara Rothberg Child Specialist

C hildren of all ages are aware of their parent's actions. Often parents think that the kids are young and that they don't understand, but they do.....

When parents are unhappy with one another, the kids know it. Parents often think that they are "protecting" their children from the reality of their situations by not talking to their spouse about issues in front of the kids. but even if a couple doesn't overtly fight in front of their children, the children can pick up a chilly vibe, a tense environment or a hostile feeling. Children know their parents very well and are generally very tuned in to what is going on in the household.

Children are very perceptive and tuned in to their parents. After all, they are dependent on their parents for love and support and they want to feel secure. They need to feel secure to grow into healthy adults. How to help them feel secure when their parents are in trouble is a difficult question, but it has an answer. There are several factors that help children through this process.

The first is to be honest with them. Taking their ages into account, parents should be honest and tell children the truth, as best they can understand it. For example, even a three year old can understand basic issues. If daddy is not around much, a three year old will notice, and will ask for daddy. The answer that daddy is working, when in fact he has another apartment, is dishonest. These parents need to tell the child that daddy is living in another apartment and will be coming over tomorrow (or whenever) to see you.

If children are lied to in one area, they will not trust you at other times. They will not know when you are being honest and when you are not. This is particularly true with older children who are very aware of relationships. Since the divorce rate is 50%, most children know other kids who have divorced parents. It is not uncommon for kids to ask parents who are fighting a lot if they are getting a divorce. And parents should not say, "oh no" when it may be a real possibility. A better answer is, we are trying to work on our relationship, and we're not sure if we're staying together, but no matter what, we love you and you have nothing to do with our issues. While being honest with children is very important, being wise about what is said is also important.

Children should not be given information they will not be able to understand and process. For example, if one partner in a couple had an affair and that precipitated the break up, it is not advisable to share that information with a child. Chances are if there was an affair, there were many problems and speaking more generally would be helpful. It is important to help children not take sides in a break up. Children love both of their parents and it is healthy for children to have relationships with both of them. 

Reassuring the children that they are not the cause of the problems is of primary importance. Children often feel guilty, particularly if they are disobedient kids and get yelled at, they may feel like if they behaved better, their parents would not be fighting. It is so important to let kids know that this is not the case. Parental issues are grown up issues and do not have to do with the children.

The other important factor in helping the children is to reassure them that they will always be loved by both of their parents, even if the parents don't seem to love one another. It can be scary for kids to see a parent withdraw love and affection from their spouse, feeling that might happen to them. To reassure children, it is important to give the kids extra love and affection and tell them how much they are loved. It can also be said that love for children is different than grown up love and that sometimes grown ups don't love each other so much, and aren't so nice to each other, but parents will always love their children. Parental love for children is different than grown up love, and even though that's hard to understand, it can be said and acted upon enough that children will learn to trust it.  

Categories

Archive

Tags

Shortcuts

Comments