Shared parenting can take many forms and as long as a couple gets along reasonably well, it is optimal for children.

What does shared parenting mean? Well, it means that both parents take responsiblity for their kids. The legal term Joint Custody means that each parent is jointly responsible for the health, education and welfare of their children. Neither parent can make a major decision about their children without consultation from the other parent. With joint legal custody, the kids can live primarily with one parent, or they can live with both, depending on the parenting plan. Joint physical custody means that both parents equally share the childcare responsibility for their children, generally meaning that the children live with each of them the same amount of time.

When parents separate, there is always the discussion about how to share the children. There is no “right” way. Each family needs to understand what is most important to each parent and understand what’s important for their children. The parents’ work schedules must be taken into account as this is decided. What I have found in my years of practice, is that when a couple separates, they often realize that they may have taken their time with their kids for granted as the kids are always around. With the prospect of not being with the kids for several days, the time becomes more precious. This actually ends up having a very positive effect benefiting the children. When parents are with their children part of the time, rather than full time, they are generally more attentive, more available and consequently spend more quality time. For example, one mom reported to me that after she and her husband separated, and she was with her kids half time rather than all the time, she would rarely work on the computer when they were around. She recalled that when she lived with her husband, she was constantly on the computer and always felt torn between her work and the kids. Now she separates her time and gets lots of work done when she is by herself and when she’s with the kids she is completely with them. She also said that she felt her realtionships with her kids is better now, as she is more present with them.

I have heard many women complain that when they were married, their husbands rarely spent time with the kids, but when they separated, all of a sudden they were becoming “super dads”. Although this is very disconcerting and there is definitely anger that they didin’t participate the same way when they were together as a couple, it is better for the kids. Often times, when fathers understand the kids will not always be there, they step up to become better and more involved dads. They, too, realize that they may have taken their relationship with their kids for granted and that this has to change. It is for the better…..though sometimes hard for the moms. Children love both of their parents and yearn for a real relationship with them both. The most important factor in any parenting plan is that it is in the best interests of the child, and that is what must always be kept in mind as the central principal.

The particular schedule that each family develops is based on their needs and those of their kids. The proximity of both homes to the school, the parents’ work schedules, after school activities and who will get the kids to them all have to be factored in. The schedule needs to be tested out to see if it works well for everyone, so generally a trial for a few months is a good idea. It is important to be flexible as things come up. An event for one parent may come up on the other parents’ day. It is optimal if parents can easily exchange days with each other for events, work issues, family issues etc. Knowing that the other parent is there as back up if something arises helps both the parents and the children. It builds security in the post-divorce co-parenting arrangement.

Whatever schedule is decided upon at the inital separation may work for a long time or may need adjustments over time. The kids needs may change and or the parents needs may change and flexibility is the key. I’ve worked with parents who generously changed schedules with one another to accomodate new partners. Many co-parents could not or would not want do this, and that’s ok too! But what’s most important to remember is that the couple divorces as spouses, and they never divorce as parents. The co-parenting relationship lasts a lifetime. The more flexible it can be, the better it will be, as both parents will have needs to change the schedule.

If co-parents get along well enough, they can have the privledge of being involved in their kids’ lives together. There will be many times when parents are called to be involved in their chilldren’s activities. If possible, it could be wonderful for them to participate together, even if they are no longer a couple, as they will always both be the parents. There are school conferences, events, after school or sports programs, which neither parent may want to miss. Many parents go to their childrens soccer games even if it’s not “their” day and the kids appreciate seeing both of their parents and feeling that support. Every family cannot do this. But for those who can, it an be a very positive experience. A co-parenting relationship is one that needs to be worked on, as any other relationship, and the better it is, the better off the kids will be.