When couples split up, everyone wants to know what’s the “right” parenting schedule. The answer is simple, there isn’t one!

There is no right schedule. Each couple must decide on what the best schedule is for them and their children. Some couples are more comfortable with a completely equal 50/50 schedule and some prefer one parent having physical custody and the other visiting on alternate weekends. What is most important is that both parents are comfortable and agree to the schedule and that they are committed to spending good time with their children.

When figuring out a parenting plan, it is important to take in to account the needs of the children as well as the parents. Knowing your children is a big plus. If a child has a particular connection to one parent, a connection to a neighborhood, or to an activity, this should be respected. It does not mean that the other parent should not have the children, but it means that the particular needs must be understood and dealt with. It is also important to look at the parents’ needs and schedules. Does one parent frequently travel for work? If that’s the case, it must be accounted for and flexibility needs to be built into the schedule. Some parents are comfortable with pitching in to help each other out when they need coverage and feel ok with flexibility. Other parents want to exchange the days, so the schedule stays even. Again, it is most important to realize that neither way is correct. It is a matter of what feels more comfortable for the parents and that they both can agree. i will say, though, that flexibility is generally a plus. It is inevitable that at one time or another, each parent will need to change the schedule and if one person is open to being helpful and accomodating with their ex, the other will be as well. The good old saying that one hand washes another, is very true!

Many parents today opt for joint parenting. That can mean many things. It can mean a 50/50 schedule or it can mean that one parent has the kids most of the school week with a weekly or bi-weekly dinner or sleepover, and every other weekend. It needs to work for the family. It is helpful if each parent gets some time during the school week, so they can be part of their daily life with school, homework, bedtime etc. and also have some weekend time so they can partake in the more relaxed and fun time.

Geography is an important issue to consider as well. Ideally, separated parents live in close proximity to one another. If the distance is walkable, that can be helpful, particularly if the children go to a neighborhood school. If they don’t, its not as important. But considering how much time it takes the kids to get to school is important. One couple I worked with lived in different boroughs and the kids had to travel almost an hour on the subway to get to school from one parent’s home. That is not the ideal situation. And on the other hand, I worked with a couple where one parent, after leaving the marital home, moved to the next building on the same block. This was a little too close, as they bumped into each other in their comings and goings and the child often felt in the middle. The ideal is that the homes are close enough that if a child leaves something important in one home when they’ve gone to the other, a parent can easily help out and retreive the item. I like to advise parents that they are the ones who wanted to live sepatately, so if their child forgets something at the other house, it’s their responsibility to help out, and not blame the child.

Living in two homes can be hard for some children, but most of the time, children are resilient and they do well. Several grown up children who spend much of their lives going back and forth from house to house report that while it was often a pain to do it, they appreciated that they had real relationships with each of their parents. And that’s the goal.