Post- divorce parenting is difficult, but can be done successfully with some structure, cooperation and determination. There are a few important keys to success.

The first, is to have a clear agreement that spells out the details so there is no ambiguity. The schedule of the parenting plan needs to be very clear. When will each parent be responsible for the child? When is the scheduled pick up or drop off? Once that’s established, it needs to be respected. If a drop off is scheduled for 5pm on Sunday, the child should not be dropped off at 5:30! If a parent is late, and occasionally this can happen, a call or text explaining that is helpful. Respect is a major key to success.

Next, it’s helpful for both parents to have more or less the same rules. For example, the kids should have roughly the same bedtime at each house (except for special occasions). This consistency is helpful for the kids and promotes easier parenting. It prevents the kids from saying, “but daddy lets me stay up till 10”. Also similar food rules makes life easier. If children are permitted to have as much sugar as they want with one parent and none with the other, the kids may be confused as to what is right and this will cause friction between the parents. The rules don’t need to be exactly alike, and all rules get broken sometimes, but similarities are helpful. The same goes for media time…. While things don’t need to be exact at each home, if they are in the same ballpark it will make shared parenting easier and is a key to successful co-parenting.

Another important rule of co-parenting is never to put the kids in the middle of their parents. This can happen in numerous ways and none of them are good! For example, it is not a good idea to question a child about what goes on in the other house. This makes a child feel uncomfortable and in the middle. It can cause a child to feel disloyal, like “telling on” the other parent. And this can cause a lot of anxiety.

Sometimes a child will complain about something that happened in the other home. You want your child to feel free to talk about whatever he or she chooses, but remember you are only hearing one side (which puts him or her in the middle). It is advisable to support your child by saying something like, “it sounds like you and daddy had a hard time yesterday. I think you should talk to daddy about how you feel so you can work it out with him.” If you’re really concerned, you can call the other parent, when the child is not around, and express your concern, and hear the other side.

Another common problem is for one parent (or grandparent) to badmouth the other parent. It is a common way to express anger, but it puts the child in the middle and causes needless anxiety. If it is the grandparent who is doing this, the parent needs to explain to his or her parent that this behavior causes the child to suffer and not the parent to whom the comment is directed. Divorce is hard and negative feelings are often present, but they should not be expressed in front of the children. Children love both of their parents, even if one of them did something “wrong” and they do not want to hear comments about either of them.

And most important is letting go of the small stuff. Divorce is a tough process and leaves people feeling hurt and angry. It is easy to pick on little issues as a way to express anger. For example, if a child is dropped off at mom’s and her clothes are dirty, mom has a choice. She can be furious at dad for dropping her child off looking like that, or she can assume her child had fun at the playground and got really dirty and she can put the clothes in the laundry. If on the other hand, she becomes angry, he will become defensive and they will be off and running, replicating arguments from the past. Choosing only important issue to battle and letting go of small conflicts is an important key to success.

There are a multitude of large and small issues in co-parenting. The spirit of cooperation, being flexible and being determind to make co-parenting work are the keys to success.