Many parents have anxiety that they have different parenting styles and that will adversely affect their children after divorce.

While it is certainly easier if both parents have similar rules in each home when the kids are living in both homes, it doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily a big problem if the parenting styles are somewhat different. It is more important for kids to have the experience of living with both of their parents. Children are resilient and they learn what they can and cannot do in each home. Just like kids learn what they can and cannot get do with each of their parents.

When I work with divorcing parents around co-parenting issues we try to agree on basics, for exampe, how bedtime is handled. It is helpful if both parents have an expectation that their kids go to bed at a “reasonable” hour. We try to agree on a range. Sometimes we can, and sometimes we cannot. It may be different in each home and it may differ on weekends. Some parents feel it is ok to allow their kids to stay up later when they don’t have school the next day, and others feel that their kids do better staying on the same schedule. What I have found, is that it honestly doesn’t make that much difference! The children will adapt comfortably (maybe with a little argument) but will accept the parental rules. The most important thing is that the kids know what is expected of them.

Food, as bedtime, is often a difference in parental styles. I often hear that at the other house, they don’t eat healthy food, or they are allowed to eat too much sugar. It may play out that if one parent insists they eat vegetables, they will, and if the other parent doesn’t insist, they won’t. My long term experience, again, is that the kids grow up quite well with these differences and laugh about it when they are older, and it does not have a long term effect on their eating. My daughter, who was brought up in two homes, tells this story:

When we were young, Mom allowed us to have only 2 cookies at a sitting and Dad let us have whatever we wanted to eat. So I figured I probably shouldn’t have too many as it wasn’t good for me, so I had 3… A bit more, but not too much. My brother was not so into sweets. Sometimes he ate more than other times.

So, the kids regulated themselves and dealt fine with different rules. Now as adults, neither one eats much sweets. This is a typical story.

The moral here, is that parents can give each other some room to be who they are and deal with their children in their own way. It is important to pick your battles. Bringing up kids in two homes can be challenging and it is helpful if we can minimize arguing over issues that are not that important. As long as the children are kept safe, healthy and respected, parents should have the freedom to make their own decisions in their own homes and the kids will be all right.