The biggest anxiety for parents getting a divorce is whether the kids will be all right. But will they? And what can parents do to help them be all right? There are actually many things that parents can do.

The most important thing is not to put the kids in the middle….What I mean by that is never question a child about the other parent. Even if you’re dying to know if daddy has a girlfriend, don’t ask your child! When a child is questioned s/he’s put in the middle and feels uncomfortable. Children love both of their parents and want to spend good time with each of them. In daily life, children gather lots of information and get to know many things about each parent that the other may not know. They should not have to feel guilty about information they know about each of their parents. They should never be put in positions where they may feel a loyalty conflict. When children are comfortable, they may inadvertently share information that can be hard to hear. You may learn that mommy (or daddy) went to the Caribbean for a long weekend with her friend. You may be angry and burning with jealousy as you spent the weekend in NYC with two whining sick kids. If you can possibly say something like, “that’s nice, i know mommy loves the beach”, your child will feel relaxed and you’re more likely to have easy conversations with your child. On the other hand, if you express anger and jealousy, which you inevitably feel (but need to keep to yourself) chances are your child will not share any more information and will feel guilty and upset.

Another way that kids are put in the middle is to make them messengers. For example, “you better tell mommy that she needs to take you to the dentist.” Or, “you better tell daddy that he needs to buy you new sneakers.” These kinds of statements make children very uncomfortable. A child’s likely response may be to defend the other parent, “she is taking me to the dentist!” or “I don’t need new sneakers.” These responses are attempts to avoid the conflict. Children need to be shielded from parental feelings and arguments. Disagreements need to happen when the kids are not present.

Ideally, which can definitely be difficult, parents should speak kindly of and to each other in front of their children. The more they can be friendly, the easier it will be for the kids. If parents don’t feel kindly to one another, they can certainly be civil and not express overt anger. Often, after some time has passed, parents can deal with better with one another, and even be friendly. I know many parents who go to school events together and some even share holidays. This is not a requirement as each family has different needs. But what is most important to remember is that the divorce had nothing to do with the kids. Divorce is a grown up issue and should stay that way. The more that parents can reassure their kids that the divorce has nothing to do with them, the better it will be and the kids will be all right.