Making commitments in relationships and striving to fulfill them create a solid foundation for longevity. Many couples make commitments, but many don’t follow through with them.

I was recently at a wedding and was struck by the commitments the couple made to one another. I was told they worked long and hard writing their vows to say exactly what they wanted and needed to say to one another. I can imagine that this process, in itself, was intense and bonding. And they clearly were proud of what they created as they recited them to one another at the marriage ceremony.

First, they vowed to work on themselves, to be the best possible people they could be, so they could be there for one another. This is so important. If someone doesn’t love and care for themselves, they cannot love and care for another. This couple knew that. The more each person is able to grow individually, and share that growth with their partner, the better and stronger the relationship will become. They acknowledged that this won’t always be easy and that each person needs to express their individuality and spread their wings.

Although their relationship is a good one, and they get along very well, they know there has been and always will be conflict. Conflict is normal in any relationship. They promised one another not to run away from the conflict, but to face it and struggle through it. This is a foundation to the strength and longevity of a relationship. I have heard people say that if they really love each other, there shouldn’t be so much conflict. But, that’s not the case. Conflict arises from many things and needs to be understood, not swept under the rug. Conflict actually allows people to get to know one another better and offers the opportunity for growth. Listening to one another, hearing the others’ feelings with love and compassion can help with understanding. The couple might not always agree, but they need to respect each other’s differences. This is not always easy to do, and sometimes requires outside help from a therapist.

The commitment to struggle with one another and not give up, because they really love each other will make the difference to keep the relationship strong. This means that even when they are angry at each other, they don’t run away and give up. They may need a time out, but then can return to each other and deal with the issue. They can acknowledge their anger, ideally express it in a clear way, not being mean or intentionally hurtful, and work through their feelings. There are many ways for couples to learn to work on their anger. Many self help books have been written on the subject, and couples may need outside assistance to get there, but the truth is, it takes practice. Couples need to learn each others’ styles, vulnerabilities and needs and figure out the best ways to deal with each other that will get them to the place they want to be… connected and loving.

I encourage all couples to make commitments to each other. You don’t have to wait for marriage and if you’re already married, it’s probably time to rewrite and renew those commitments.