How to Avoid Communication Breakdown
When a couple is in the process of a separation they rarely communicate well. Some basic rules can be helpful. When a couple is having difficulty in their relationship and separating, their communication is often poor, and frequently gets worse. That’s a real problem, particularly if the couple has children and needs to communicate and work together to co-parent. All the research tells us that children of divorced parents can do very well, but the parents must follow a few basic rules. First, parents must never argue in front of their children. Overt conflict in front of children makes them [...]
Can I Achieve an Amiable Divorce?
In the best of circumstances, divorce is difficult. It is right near the top on the stress scale . But it doesn’t have to be a disaster. There are ways to keep the stress manageable and make the process aimable. One of those ways is to enter into the Collaborative Divorce process. When a couple gets divorced there is considerable hurt and anger. Sometimes one partner is more interested in the divorce than the other. Sometimes there are financial issues that may be difficult to resolve, and possibly children who need to be cared for. Many details need to be [...]
Inclusive Families
Our new Vice President shows us the beauty of an inclusive blended family. It is a wonderfull model for divorced familes. Vice President Kamala Harris is married to a man who was divorced and has children. She models a wonderful blended family. She has a special name, as her step children call her "momala". She is very connected to her sister and her sister's children, as they were with her on stage at the presidential events. I've read that she is also friendly with her husband's ex-wife, and they share events togehter. Is this unusual, yes, but, not so uncommon. [...]
Pandemic parenting
Pandemic parenting is a challenge. Now that we've been dealing with the pandemic for six months and schools are opening, or maybe not and only going remote, parents are in a quandry. There are so many decisions to make and there are no right answers. Everyone has a somewhat different risk tolerance and although everyone wants to stay safe and healthy, all do not agree on the same rules. This is particularly true for divorced parents who share care of their children. The most important thing to remember is that both parents need to keep in mind that they need [...]
Divorce and Loss
In divorce, when a child has two involved parents, that child develops a life that of his or her own that doesn't involve both parents. Each parent must learn to tolerate the loss of knowing everything that is going on for their child. It is so hard to realize that your child has a life that you don't know about. But that's what happens when there is a divorce and your child has a good relationship with each parent. In most divorce situations, regardless of the parenting plan, children usually spend some, maybe alternating weekends with the other parent. If [...]
Moving On After Divorce
For many people, moving on after divorce is a very difficult thing to do. It is particularly difficult to move on if your ex has already moved on and seems content with his or her new life and you feel bereft. The truth is that life is not fair. Sometimes people meet new partners and are happy and sometimes people cannot find a new compatable person to be with. Sometimes people are happy to be living on their own, and others are just very lonely. There is no perfect life as there is not perfect situation. We all have to [...]
Rules to Keep Kids Out of the Middle
It is well known that kids must be kept out of the middle of divorced parents for them to grow up happy and healthy. Here are 4 Rules to follow which can be very helpful. I have found that sometimes it is easier if parents are given a "set of rules" to keep kids out of the middle. These rules can be a reminder and keep parents on track even when they feel angry and upset. I suggest they be kept in a place where they can be looked at frequently. Sometimes, it takes self control not to express angry [...]
Getting Along as Co-Parents
It's a tall order to ask parents who are divorced to get along as co-parents, but it's possible. And sometimes, it's even easier than when the couple was married. The stress of a divorce is tremendous. It is one of the biggest life stresses and of course effects co-parenting. But frequently, after the divorce is completed, a new normal is established and co-parenting can be easier than before. The parents can work on developing a new "business" relationship and hopefully let go of some of the anger from their spousal relationship. It is helpful if a few simple rules are [...]
Generosity
Generosity is the key to a happy separation. Most couples who are in the process of separating struggle with generosity. That is actually very understandable, as the process of separation is very difficult and often brings out the worst in people. At this time, individuals are generally quite angry with one another. Even if there isn't overt anger, there is hurt, felt by one or both of the parties. The last thing that either of them wants to do is to be nice and generous to their almost ex. But what if they tried to do that ? Actually, when [...]
Blended Families
After divorce, people frequently re-couple and create blended families. There are many issues that arise in these new family constellations, some of which can be difficult to navigate. One of the most difficult issues in blended families is how to integrate a new step parent so it works for the chldren as well as the ex. After couples divorce, inevitably one or both of the parents re-couple. This is a good thing. But sometimes can be difficult. If only one of the original couple becomes a new couple, jealousy often enters the picture. As one woman told me, "it's just [...]
Why Co-Parent?
Why do parents want to co-parent after divorce ? Usually they don't, but they have no choice! The truth is that many would prefer not, but that's not realistic. When parents separate or divorce, usually both parents want to care for their children. Both parents are usually aware that it is preferable for their kids to have both of their parents. The research on divorce tells us that kids of divorce do better when they have real relationships with both parents, (and they don't have a lot of conflict.... but I'll get to that). This is a major decision every [...]
Homes Don’t Break
In the past week, two clients talked to me about "broken homes". One woman told me that she came from a broken home and now, as she divorces, her son will have the same burden. When I asked this woman what it meant to her that she came from a Broken Home, she told me that her parents split up when she was ten, and that life was awful after that. Her mother told her that they weren't a family anymore now that dad left and they were no longer whole. Life would never be the same, and it wasn't. [...]